


Indomitable

by Hot_scales (modest_hermit)



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Post-Destroy Ending, post-destroy ending fix it, the i'm-emotional-after-finishing-mass-effect-3-for-the-first-time-fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:21:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23689099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/modest_hermit/pseuds/Hot_scales
Summary: Sacrifices are not always equal, and the guilt is always more than you deserve.Mattias Shepard survives the destruction of the Citadel. Kaidan, the crew & the Shepard family converge in London to make sure he makes it through recovery.
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko/Male Shepard, Kaidan Alenko/Shepard
Kudos: 8





	1. What was, what is

It was what it was. Kaidan had blindly believed they would win, and that Shepard would board the Normandy as its Commander again. Victorious.

That wasn’t what happened.

He lay on one of the med bay beds and tried not to throw up. It was a migraine, all over, inside him. But it wasn’t just the migraine. It was the despair washing in with each pulse behind his eyes, like the ripple of a Harvester’s wings. Burning and destroying, creating charred lines between his corneas and across his frontal cortex. A red laser, exact, tearing up concrete.

 _One of them made it up._ His comm feed was flickering in and out. _The arms are opening._

He didn’t know if he sighed, or if it was the loud whooshing of blood in his head as it fell heavy between his knees. He needed to stay conscious, for Shepard. He needed to hold on for Shepard.

That wasn’t what happened. 


	2. Consensus

There was a small voice pressing towards the forefront. Small yet strong.

Mattias thrust his forehead against the glass. It should have shattered. It should have cut into his skin and made him bleed as a consequence. But it _bent._ It resisted him, of course. He pushed against the gelatinous mass, forcing himself further inside the mirror. The small grew louder, fragmenting into multiple voices.

_“This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen. He wasn’t supposed to die again!”_

_“Major, I’m sorry. There’s nothing more we can do for him.”_

_“He saved you, but you won’t save him? Check the vitals again. Check them now!_

_“Kaidan, you need to calm down!”_

The sac of the mirror broke. What met him was stagnant air, the cool whiteness of a hospital. Was he still on the Citadel? Was there still a Citadel?

He saw Garrus restraining Kaidan with almost instant clarity. The sheen of fog that smeared across his vision shrank to the corners. He looked down.

He wanted to throw up and weep at the same time.

There he was. His body. The end of his bed was suspiciously flat. God, where the fuck were his legs? His face was scarlet, swollen with bruises, the visible skin beneath so pale he could see the trail of every vein. Was he breathing?

Mattias tried to move closer. Move in and see. He felt a tug towards the body, as though there were a hook in his flesh. He was being wound in. A great burning sensation pulsed at the base of his skull. His amp port. He reached behind his head, trying to breathe, trying to keep calm. He was sinking, being slammed by gravity into a sick whirlpool that didn’t have a rock bottom. 

_Don’t leave me behind._

It was his own voice, not Kaidan’s. The words were irrelevant, but he continued to speak. He listened to himself, listened to the pauses where the speaking-self drew breath.

Was he dying or already dead? he asked.

_You have been closer to death before._

How do I survive?

_That is entirely up to you._

That’s not an answer.

_It is. Your survival has always been up to you. This is no different._

That’s not true.

_Isn’t it?_

It wasn’t my choice to be rebuilt the first time.

_Your will lived on in others. That is how you came to Cerberus. That is how you are here._

Where is here, exactly?

_You haven’t left the body. You’ve just managed to pull back the blinds, so to speak._

What are you? My will?

_Your will, your heart, your truth… they are all the same._

You’re a consensus.

_Yes. I suppose that is the word. An honouring word. Legion would approve._

You’re me. What do we have to do in order to survive?

_Survive or live?_

Fine. What do we have to do in order to live?

_Keep engaged with me, and you’ll remain engaged with your body. The moment the body dies, we cease._

How does talking to myself sustain my physical body?

_Kaidan has convinced the staff to continue life support. While we can rely on the machine, the machine cannot think for us. It is no geth._

Yeah. No geth. No synthetics at all. All thanks to me.

_It was a difficult choice._

I thought the cost was high already. I thought we had nothing to lose. 

_I_ _ncorrect. Only the Reapers had nothing to lose. We had everyone, everything._

I could lose you.

_You could lose everything._

How long do we need to keep going like this?

_Until I can close the gap between us and the body. The connection was severed shortly after you fired the Crucible._

When I was in the room above the body, was I separated?

_Yes. I was trying to call you back._

How is that possible, me being separated from you, and us from the body?

_The mind can create divisions through the forging of certain neural pathways. However, even the greatest partitions can be reformed or changed with enough effort._

I did that?

_To survive death. It was a natural mechanism. Instead of using it to pass, you used it to hide, to heal. But after you grew restless and began to wander._

How long has it been since then?

_I’m unsure. The body is comatose, so natural circadian rhythms have been disrupted. It could be days, or weeks._

What about months?

_Judging by Kaidan’s reaction, I don’t think so._

I heard him. Garrus too.

_Good. Hearing is always the last thing to go, so that connection wasn’t severed._

I saw my body. My legs are gone.

Y _ou will walk again._

With what? Metal legs?

_Until they can clone your tissue._

Yeah. Metal legs with my fucking Cerberus implants in my spine, with my L5 ‘upgraded’ implant. The Illusive Man’s been in my head. You could be a Cerberus fucking bug in my head!

_Miranda assured you there was no control chip. Do you feel any action you’ve taken has been by someone else’s guidance? Someone else’s will?_

No.

S _he had nothing to gain from lying to you. She’d cut ties from Cerberus._

Yeah. She did.

_You are allowed to be angry. You are allowed to grieve._

I just…Mordin, Thane, Legion, EDI…Anderson…We weren’t supposed to lose so many.

_Nothing worth fighting for is won without sacrifice._

So they lose their lives, and I lose my legs?

_Sacrifices are not always equal._

Fuck that. It should be. It should be fucking equal.

_If it were, we would not be having this conversation._

The great mist opened. Mattias could see the warped mirror again. It was his private bathroom aboard the SR2.

Have I detached? he asked.

_No. I’ve recalled memories in order to make you feel more comfortable._

You can do that?

_Access to the hippocampus has significantly relaxed. Connections are being reformed. We are close to waking up._

Now?

_Almost._

Mattias moved around in the cabin. He picked up the picture frame on his desk. It was taken the day he signed onto the Alliance. Captain Shepard was on his right, his sister Victoria on his left. Their smiles had been a source of comfort for him over the past four years.

Will I see them again?

_They are here._

I didn’t hear their voices.

_Wait. Where are you going?_

I’m here, where you put me.

_I can feel something—either the lungs or the heart—something is happening._

Are we connected?

_No, no. Come on Shepard. Don’t leave me behind,_ the voice warped.

As if he’d commanded it, he shot upwards like a biotic charge. Or at least, it felt like upwards. He could still hear the voice distorting in his ears. Heavy pressure resisted him as he ascended, growing more intense by the second, like it had when he surfaced after facing Leviathan. Mattias cried out. There was no air. He gasped, then choked. His hands scrabbled behind his neck. The oxygen port was detached, if he could reach it—


End file.
